


Seriously Mad

by unknowableroom_archivist



Category: Harry Potter - J. K. Rowling
Genre: Gen, Humor
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2007-04-21
Updated: 2007-04-21
Packaged: 2019-01-19 03:11:20
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 1
Words: 1,501
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/12401880
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/unknowableroom_archivist/pseuds/unknowableroom_archivist
Summary: How to make a completly loony story with no plot what-so-ever. Step 1:Add well known characters with slightly ecentric personalitiess (the Maruaders)Step 2:Put them all on sugar-highs. Step 3: Pour two cups of coffee in as well just in case they start to crash and beat on high power. Step 4: While stirring sprinkle in some spontaneous situations. Step 5: ...





	Seriously Mad

**Author's Note:**

> Note from ChristyCorr, the archivist: this story was originally archived at [Unknowable Room](http://fanlore.org/wiki/Unknowable_Room), a Harry Potter archive active from 2005-2016. To preserve the archive, I began manually importing its works to the AO3 as an Open Doors-approved project after May 2017. I e-mailed all creators about the move and posted announcements, but may not have reached everyone. If you are (or know) this creator, please contact me using the e-mail address on [Unknowable Room collection profile](http://www.archiveofourown.org/collections/unknowableroom).

Disclaimer: In my dreams I own Harry Potter, but no where else.

 

Seriously Mad

"Why, aren't you looking–" Lucius looked Lily up and down– "riveting today, Evans." He smirked.

"Go jump off the train, Malfoy."

"Oh, touchy-touchy."

"Only with you...and some others."

"Tsk tsk. Someone else is upsetting you? And here I thought I'd made it clear that was my job."

"It's Potter. Maybe you two could go off and battle to the death or something, so I can live in peace."

"Oh, you are in a bad mood. You know I find you so attractive when you're mad," he said, leaning in closer.

They were in the train corridor. Lily had been trying to get to her friends, who were just two compartments down, when Lucious had blocked her path. He was extremely close, his hands on either side of her, her back pressed against the wall. Her hand was inside her robe pocket, tightly gripping her wand. She wasn't allowed to use magic on the train, especially as Head Girl, but he was pushing it.

"Really, Lilian, it's a shame such a beauty was put in Gryffindor. What a waste! And to think of all the years you could have been going out with me." He moved his face even closer, long strands of blond hair falling forward.

His face was just inches from hers, definitely too close. If he thought she looked cute when she was mad, just wait until she became furious. Like right now.

"How about this, Malfoy?" she said, jamming her wand into his chest. "I give you to the count of three to move your ugly self out my way before I turn you into something small and squishable."

His eyes widened, his eyebrows arching upward, before he gave her another infurating smirk. "I do so love a good tussle."

Before she got a chance to find out if she really could turn Lucius into something small and squishable, an angry voice belonging to someone she really didn't want to see right now rang out."Oy, what's going on here?" James Potter's eyes flashed, his wand drawn.

"Just checking out this year's sweets, so do be a good boy and run along," Lucius drawled.

Two pairs of eyes flashed murderously at this statement.

"Lily is that–Malfoy...Get...Away...From...Her." James' wand was pointed at Lucius' head.

What the heck was this? Lily thought. She wasn't some prize to be won. Well, to bloody hell with this macho show. She kneed Lucius, hard, where the sun don't shine. He fell to the ground, moaning pathetically. She turned her wand toward James. "I don't need your help," she said, and she turned and stormed off into her friends' compartment.

______________________________________________________________________________

"Hey, Prongs what took you so long?" asked Sirius.

"Bite me," James said, sitting down next to Remus.

"That's no way to talk to your best mate. This doesn't have anything to do with Evans, does it?"

James just looked up miserably.

"Wanker. You haven't even been on the train ten minutes."

"No duh."

"You need to find yourself a new girl, mate. You know, someone you talk to at non-screaming levels. Or do like me and find several girls and–you know."

"Eww, Padfoot, that's disgusting," Remus said, joining the conversation.

Oh yeah–Wormtail (the traitor) was also in the compartment. (This story's on a need to know basis. Now you know.)

"It wasn't even my fault," James whined. "I mean, I was just trying to help."

"Why don't you just explain everything from the beginning, Prongs?" Remus said patiently.

Several minutes later....

"And then she just stormed off without even a thank-you kiss after I rescued her."

"Disgraceful, mate. I feel for you." This was Sirius, of course.

"Are you sure that's how things went?" Remus asked doubtfully.

"Well, yeah."

"All right, it sounds like Lucius had already ticked Lily off pretty badly. I mean, it did sound like he was way too close for comfort, so she probably was taking charge. I mean, you did say she had her wand out, which means she probably was almost out of there when you showed up. And no offense, mate, but you were probably the last person she wanted to see there, especially when you tried to take charge, so that ticked her off even more, and then she had two guys to deal with who didn't show her any respect, so she snapped and took charge again her way," Remus finished, taking a deep breath.

"Which means what? C'mon, Moony, do I still have a chance here?" James asked.

"No, you blew it big and you're doomed to never snog Lily," Remus said in his mystic voice.

"How does he do that?" Wormtail whispered to Sirius.

"Well I have two theories: he either gets possessed by a stuck-up girl spirit who never got a good snog in her life, or he's a girl-reading deity," whispered Sirius. 

"Hey, Moony, are you a snog-depraved girl or a girl-reading deity?" asked Sirius.

"Uh...."

"Girl-reading deith it is, because face it–if you were a girl you wouldn't be able to resist moi."

"Uh," Remus grunted.

"Unless you were too shy to ask me for a good snog," said Sirius, looking thoughtful for just a moment before jumping out of his seat onto Remus and planting a big sloppy one on his lips.

"Gaa! You homosexual, psychoneurotic perv!"

"Honest mistake. Sorry." 

"Are you touched in the head?"

"What's psychoneurotic mean?"

"Psychoneurotic: a person who suffers with neorisis, or some one who is completely and seriously deranged. Example: you."

"Aw, you used my name-pun! How sweet."

"You're mental." Moody, I mean Moony, growled and stuck his nose back into a book. He was quite anxious to find out if Elisabeth and Mr. Darcy would finally get together, and did not care to be part of the real world just now, thank you very much.

"Geez, is it that time of the month again, Moony?"

"Shut it."

"Or…?"

"I’ll shut it for you."

"Back for more already? Maybe you are a girl, after all."

"I am not a girl!"

"All right, all right, already. Girl-reading deity it is," Sirius said, sitting back, pleased with himself. 

He sat there for a while, twiddled his thumbs, and coming to the realisation that he was bored, elbowed Wormtail (whom I refuse to call by any other name; yes, I understand I shouldn’t be so harsh on him 'cause he was probably the victim of some terrible Cookie Monster incident as a child that left him scarred for life and whatnot. But the bottom line is, I’m writing this story and when I feel like writing a story sympathetic to his position, I’ll write one. Until then, back to my story, which gleefully abuses him. Wormtail.) 

"Hey, what was that for?" Wormtail squeaked. (Ha.)

"Shh, whisper." Sirius leaned in closer. "I’m bored. I mean…I have an idea. It’ll be lots of fun and I’ll love you forever if you go along with it even if it's against all rationality."

"Really?" Cue anime puppy eyes. "Okay, sure."

A while later….

Sirius reached across and grabbed the book from under Remus’ nose.

"Sirius, give that back before I give you a receding hairline and a bald spot," Remus said, pointing his wand at Sirius’s head.

"Calm down, mate, I haven't done anything terrible yet. Look–I kept your page and everything," Sirius said, opening the book to show Remus. "I mean, I didn’t do this." Sirius slammed the book shut, losing the page Remus was on. 

"Ahh." Remus gaped at him. Sirius stared blankly back, then looked at the book again.

"Ohhh, eh-heh, oops." He shrugged, giving Remus a tight smile. Remus looked pissed.

Then both Sirius and Wormtail began bowing at Remus’ feet. "Forgive us, almighty one, and give us your wish, all-powerful Moony, girl-reading deity."

Remus looked down at them, disgruntled, mumbling something under his breath as he grabbed his book back. He opened it, desperately searching for the page he had been on. Turning to the right page finally, he noticed Sirius and Wormtail still bowing. 

"Stop that and find some other way to entertain yourselves," he snapped.

"Moony has spoken. To show our dedication we will go on a mission to moon everyone on board the train."

"That’s not what I meant!" Remus yelped, just managing to tackle Wormtail before he and Sirius ran into the hallway.

"Padfoot, get back here, you loon!" Remus shouted after Sirius, though it was too late now, seeing he had already mooned two corridors full of people.

"Here a moon, There a moon, Everywhere a moon moon, B, I, N, G, O–B, I, N, G, O– and Bingo was his name-O," Sirius sang at the top of his lungs.

The End (for now)

 

Me; Silly yes, but surprisingly satisfying to write. I appreciate critiques (I know I need them) but please no flames (spare my low esteem a little at least.)


End file.
